I am not sad to see 2017 go, at all. I thought 2016 was going to be the toughest year of my life. I was wrong. It was 2017. I think I was still in this numbed shock in 2016. 2017 was more real, I felt the pain. I went through things that honestly, I am still not ready to share. I know, you probably think I overshare or share everything. Well, that is far from the truth. I write this blog to share my experience, strength and hope with those that need it, those that understand mental health and addiction issues. I am so incredibly grateful that the blog is doing just that. Thank you to those who have reached out to me and let me know that my transparency has helped you in some way. That is my goal. However, this blog is the farthest thing from anonymous, so there are still things I am not ready for the world to know in such a public way.
It is purely based off the fact that I am still in some of these situations and people are still healing from them. I am very proud of the growth in my life, both personally and professionally. I am proud of the relationships I have loved and taken time to develop. There are people who came into my life in 2017 and were so important. They were influential and helped me love life when I thought that was going to be impossible. However, some of those people couldn’t stay in my life. They fulfilled their place and needed to move on. I am sure they feel the same about me. I am proud I am learning how to cherish moments and really be present.
There were some of the hardest periods of my life that I never thought I could make it through. I tried to get past them in my way, by staying busy and trying to move forward. When I couldn’t move forward, I knew I needed to stop and slow down. I realized that there was a reason I couldn’t let go of the things from what I thought were my past. I thought I was standing up for myself and the things I deserved. Actually, I believe I still was. I don’t think I would be here in this amazing place if I hadn’t walked away. I learned that sometimes, you do need time and space. And sometimes, you have to be patient, my least favorite word. I don’t think God would’ve revealed this place for me, if I hadn’t first been ready to not have it in the first place.
I am ready now. I am ready to live my best life because I realize that my best life is happening. Each phase is exactly what it should be. I am learning to live at ease in each moment. I know that life is a constant change and growth cycle. I am doing my best to love where I am right now and not worry about what happens tomorrow or dwell on mistakes from the past. My mistakes to not define my future. I struggle with letting that go. I get stuck on things and my mind becomes irrational, seemingly crazy. Which I suppose can be true from an outside view, I am crazy. I can be. My passion for life and the people in it can be intense, in both a good and bad way. In 2018 I want to learn how to really channel that passion and use it for positive things.
I am excited about 2018 because I feel like I am finally content with who I am, my career, my side passions, my relationship with my boyfriend and how I mother my angel. I am proud of the groundwork I have laid in 2017 in all those areas. It was extremely painful at times. There were times I really didn’t think it would be resolved, but God is faithful. I did not lose hope and He revealed that He is listening to my prayers and truly knows my heart’s desires. So, get ready to see the Vanessa I have always wanted to be. Oh, sure there will be struggles and obstacles, but I am ready to meet them head on. I am ready to grow and develop all these beautiful seeds in this garden of life that I planted in 2017. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time in 2017! I really had some phenomenal experiences and am SO proud of the person I have become, but I am ready for this change of date and a marker to start this fresh life! Always growing.