My Light

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This little girl is truly a bright light of joy. As a full-time working mom with a part-time job, a fishing passion and a loving relationship, I am busy. I am truly busy. I sometimes feel overwhelmed. I get caught up in my “success” that I am chasing that I lose sight of what is the most successful part of life, the joy that my relationships, both family and friends, bring. I watched this video recently of senior women discussing the pressure younger women face these days that is relatively new. We face this pressure to be successful in our careers, raise successful children and hold it all together behind our closed doors. It isn’t just about being a happy homemaker now. While I do see that as a good thing in some ways, I also see the added pressure. We have to be all things to all people.

So, I get caught up in that. I am working hard in my professional life to be successful. I do have goals of eventually owning my own insurance agency. I do hope that my blog can one day be something that helps with added income. I love my essential oils business and helping people live a more natural life while actually helping them address an issue instead of masking it with pills. I am so intensely thankful for a strong, healthy relationship with a man who I really love spending time with. I have awesome friends I feel like I don’t see enough. I am thankful for all these amazing things in my life, but they can just feel like a weight when you think about them all at the same time. And what is most important is my sweet baby girl. I have to consciously put the phone down when I am with her to make sure  my time with her is just about her.

The divorce was inevitable and necessary for my life to continue as I needed a life surrounded by people who supported my sobriety, instead of the opposite. I am sometimes shamed by people for her inconsistent schedule which I refuse to feel bad for. I will always maintain that her time with her father is important no matter how I am feeling about him personally and his life as a firefighter prohibits a typical co-parenting split. I also feel that her quality time with her other family members is contributing to her amazing little personality. I feel that in a co-parenting life, you have to defend your decisions more often since you do have to be more transparent about your lives.

I am working to be in the moment with Viv. That has always been a struggle for me as someone who lives with depression and anxiety. They can sometimes push me to dwell in the past and obsess about the future. I have worked very hard to be in the now. Having a child like Vivienne makes it a little easier since she is just so wonderful. She is kind, funny and engaging. I have screwed up a lot of things in my life, but am doing my best to be a pretty decent mother for her. She deserves the world. And really that effort has been given back to me as a great gift. The more I concentrate on her, the more peace I feel in my life. Being able to focus on her in the moment has been one of the biggest blessings I could ever imagine.

I have also felt  this same peace in my relationship with George, my boyfriend. We are both so passionate about fishing and being on the water. When we took a break this summer, my eyes were opened to what I truly desired in a relationship. Sure, I could get someone to fly me all over the world, pay for elaborate things, but what I wanted couldn’t be bought. I wanted to be on the water with my George. I realized that my happiest moments when I wasn’t with Viv were with him, fishing. Sure, we do lots of other things, but that excitement when we catch fish together is the best feeling there is. I am able to center myself when I am with him on the water. I am able to live in that moment. It is a challenge for me, undoubtedly, but these times with adventuring with him and Viv are what make it so easy. These moments make me realize that no matter the success I find in my career, it will never be more important that the quality moments and times I spend with the people I love.

Those times will be what I wish I had more of on my death-bed, not money. Yes, money is important. I hope to be able to live comfortably and support my family without too much struggle. Yet, if I do those things and miss the entire point of why, what have I gained? I have experienced set backs in my life. Obstacles that seemed insurmountable, but really I see them as blessings now. I value life in a way that I am not sure I would have it it hadn’t been for those trials. If I hadn’t had men that treated me so horrifically could I really appreciate what I have now on the level that I do? If I hadn’t had jobs I just loathed, would I appreciate what I have now? I believe that it is true that you can’t know true joy until you know true sorrow.

I think all that darkness I lived through helped me really see the beauty of the light in my life. I am not just busy, but my life is full in a good way. I don’t have time for any fake relationships, nor will I tolerate that drain on my life. I have finally reached a place of true contentment in where I am at the moment, while still excited about moving towards goals. My life is not perfect, but goodness it is pretty close for where I am at on my journey!

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