Progress

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Viv took this pic! We decorated the pumpkins the night before. I didn’t want to move, I did, because she is most important. It actually helped. I felt better!

Last week was rough, y’all. Rough. So bad. Things did not go my way. At. All. I am not talking bad hair day, I am talking my daughter’s father and I struggled, bad over what I am still not sure. Like I have always said, I am not going to publicly bash anyone. I won’t. It isn’t healthy or positive for anyone. Just know that there are things that happen that I chose not to talk about that greatly hurt me. The old V would’ve struggled to leave the house. She would’ve let the wave of sadness just completely engulf her. I remember it. It was just a few months ago. Yes, I still feel that sadness. I feel it sometimes even with no legitimate reason. But when there are ACTUAL reason to want to go on a Netflix binge and smoke a pack a day, but I don’t, I am proud of myself.

I am not perfect, probably the farthest thing from it. However, I keep trying! But when my Sophie, my fur baby, gets super sick, it is hard! She has always been right there with me on those days (weeks, months) that I didn’t want to see actual people. She snuggles close when she knows that the sadness is looming. So when she has to be rushed to the emergency vet at night because she has gone  into the closet to die, I am not ok. I panic. I don’t sleep. I feel physically ill. She did this last week. She has colitis and is has taken days for her to get somewhat back to “normal.” Normal for her is begging for food, protecting (barking) from threats and basically being a furry maniac. My heart was aching when she wouldn’t move and shivered and whimpered for a few days It was really very scary.

So, after  not sleeping for a night, being in tears over custody disagreements and another physical illness I was dealing with, I wasn’t surprised when I failed a test for work by 1%. Ugh. Annoying mainly because I know I would’ve passed no problem if I had had any sleep the night before. It isn’t a huge deal and I will pass no problem the next time.

All this being said, it was an emotional week last week. Yet, there was also so much good that happened last week. So, instead of letting the bad ruin the good, I oiled up and just kept going. If you have depression and anxiety you will know that this is big. In the past, I have felt powerless to these detrimental events. It has taken many years and a ton of work, but I do finally feel like I am making progress with dealing with my emotions. I will not always win. I sometimes cry when I don’t want to. I feel the tears coming and don’t know how to stop them. But I am not going to stop practicing at getting those suckers under control. I am always going to work on mastering my immediate emotions, such as anger or fear and not letting them take over.

It is so hard. So hard. I do not know the answers or have any special secrets. In fact, I fail often at being in control. I think being aware of your own thoughts and feelings is important. Giving yourself time before reacting. Breathe. So much easier said than done. Get your Valor and Stress Away out and inhale. Say a few prayers. Then deal. However, sometimes you need to allow yourself a day to be sad. I think it comes down to just knowing yourself. That is also a process. Learn what you need. I am by no means an expert. I am just a girl trying her best to learn from her mistakes.

Also, I followed my heart and made some decisions. One was not popular, but I am sticking by it. More on that later. I will be fishing more, so more on that as well! Yay!

I feel like you just have to make the best decision at the time and learn from it if it isn’t right in the long-term. I have done a lot of learning because I have made so many mistakes. I do believe people can change, I have, changing every day.  Growing.

So, if you follow me on social media and have questions, ask. Or, just wait because they might all be answered in time. I am hoping to share a little about last year and all that I learned as some time has passed. But for now, find your happy and do your best to grow that and share it!

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