At some point, my baby became a big girl. It is completely cliche, but don’t blink comes to mind. How did this happen? How am I dropping off my girl for VPK? She is in big kid school now! She is writing her name (4 letters 2 times each) and learning sight words! It almost feels painful, like something punched me in the gut almost 5 years ago and it still aches. I knew motherhood was difficult, but not in these ways. I truly don’t think anyone can explain the type of pain you feel. I feel this pride and absolute joy watching her become Vivienne, but at the same time I mourn the loss of the person she is continuously shedding. Maybe we are all like that, since growth is like that, shedding the old to become new. Yet, at this early age, the growth is so much more rapid that you feel like the wind gets knocked out of you.
My child is truly amazing and resilient. The pride I feel for how she has handled what we have been through is just bursting out of me. Divorce and separation is incredibly hard. Trying to explain to a 3 year old things that you don’t even quite understand yourself is hard. I think we all went out of our way to make sure she knew how intensely loved she is. I like to think we have all put her first and done well with conveying that love.
At the dinner table with my brother’s children we got to see first hand how well she is truly adjusted to her way of life. His children are almost 6, 4 and 9. They live in Texas, so we don’t get to see them as much as we would like and they have not been present for the massive changes in our lives. So my heart stopped when Lucy asked, “why can’t Uncle Travis live here?” Both my mom and I paused, thinking of the best way to answer this. Viv beat us to it. She said, “Oh, he can’t live here! He lives with his girlfriend and our dogs at their house!” Well, ok then. She then said, “I get to see him tomorrow. I see him almost every other day because he is a firefighter and he is busy rescuing people.” Boom. “I have my other parents, too.” Wait. Skert. “Who would that be, Viv???” “Mom! You know, Nana and Granddady and Gigi and PopPop.” OOOOOHHHHH!!! “You’re grandparents!” Got it. Then I heard her other cousin say, “I am sorry your parents are divorced.” Ouch, genuine concern, but ouch. And really though, I would be sorry too, if our marriage was like my brother’s. Then I hear Viv say, “Why? I have lots of people who love me SO much. They all have to share.” True story, Viv.
She is right. I am proud of how we work together now. I am proud that my sweet baby is sweeter than ever. I love that she is healthy and happy and thriving. I think everyone who goes through a divorce or loss of some kind is concerned with their children and how they will react. This year was definitely rough, and I did not do everything perfectly. I made so many mistakes, but I think she always felt loved. I stayed sober and she felt loved. Success.
I do find it funny that the little girl is obsessed with all things pink, Barbie, My Little Pony, sparkly and makeup. I was the one who asked for no pink at the baby shower. God has jokes I guess. BUT! That little crazy thing loves to adventure and be outside, she is just going to look super fancy doing all the things. I guess she does get that from her momma. So, while she does get in trouble sometimes for things that are probably my bad influence or just traits she was born with. I also hope she is getting some good things from me too. She loves to read and create art. She is kind and caring She LOVES to laugh and cracks herself up. She is still giving herself hiccups when she belly laughs. It is one of my favorite sounds, her laugh, just not at bedtime when we are trying to fall asleep and she can’t get rid of her hiccups!
So, for those of you asking, yes, I will do more Viv posts! She is the star of this show and the light of my life! Make sure you follow me only Instagram to see all the Viv antics!