I am obsessed with planning. I like to know what I am doing months in advance. I have 1 paper planner, 2 calendars (home and work) and a calendar on my phone that are all maintained, well, for the most part. I do not like large amounts of free time. I don’t really know if I was always that way or addiction made me that way. I do not enjoy long periods of time doing “nothing.” This is just me, not a disparagement on people who do like this. In fact, I am envious that they are satisfied doing nothing.
I think it has to do with this crazy brain of mine. It is always thinking, usually about 5 things minimum at one time. Always thinking. I hate it. It is one of the main reasons (excuses) I had for drinking, to quit the hamster wheel. I am thankful for essential oils that allow me to still be myself, yet slow the race track in my head. There is no perfect plan though. Even with the synthetic medicines I still had racing thoughts. Even with slow manageable thoughts, it is never quiet in there. So, as you can imagine, sitting still is not my strong suit.
I do struggle with my phone always being on and always being in my hand. I crave multi-tasking. It almost helps in a way to have 2 things happening at once. However, it is an addiction just like anything else. I also use that phone to escape from real life or uncomfortable moments or even people I don’t really want to talk to. Honestly, it isn’t fair for the people I spend time with. I have to put it away and focus. I refuse to apologize for the over abundance of pictures posted though. I maintain that it is very helpful for the lack of memory I have.
See, I digress, the point of this post is, I need to live in the now. There is no guarantee for the future. There is no promise that the plans you made won’t come crashing down around you. I watch friends and former family try to build these lives that just aren’t real. They try to pretend that the plans they had are working even when they are a complete facade. I watch people lie so much, that the lie becomes this sort of mirage, even to them.
I try my best to be honest about my life to everyone, but most importantly to myself. I think that sobriety forces that. Addiction is a liar. Addiction tells me I need things I don’t. It tells me I can do things I can’t. It tells me that just one drink to numb the pain is something I can handle. It tells me, buy more clothes, you really need that swim suit to feel better about any uncertainty. I have to face that lie addiction tells me.Learning to tell when addiction is lying to you is hard. I am almost 5 years sober and it still takes me a minute sometime.
Time. That is another thing about this fortune-telling. I feel like all my time is in warp speed. I feel like I must be traveling faster, but only in my thoughts. My friend so accurately asked the perfect question the other day. He asked, “Soon? Do you mean my soon or your soon?” Time is so relative to everyone. I know everyone has experienced sitting somewhere you don’t want to be, think Friday – work – almost time to leave, and time is creeping by. Time can’t possibly by moving that slowly. Yet, there you are only 5 minutes later, when you could have sworn at least 30 minutes had passed. Nope. I feel like that about my life sometimes. I feel like there is no way I am still at this specific place in my life. Am I stuck in slow motion?
I want all these guarantees that I am making the right decisions. I want some level of certainty, security. It isn’t there. At the risk of sounding like a minister’s daughter, the only certainty is Christ and His love for me. That is truly it. So learning to let go and just enjoy the moment for what it is what I am working on. I have to abandon all these plans and assumptions. I have to check myself. Not everything will be in the planner. I will not be able to schedule my whole life in advance and that is quite all right! I think that when I let go of all these expectations is really when I feel most free.
I think the real key to all of this is to just keep moving. It is good to have goals and dreams, but to not let them destroy you when they change or even end. You have to take away the positive from the derailed plan and use it in your new and improved plan. Your plans have to be fluid. They have to be able to evolve and change. You also have to be willing to say, that did not work, at all. You have to be able to laugh at yourself, that you thought that plan would work. I had to swallow a lot of I-told-you-sos when my plans burned to the ground this summer. You know what, they were right and they did tell me. Learning to take advice and mold your plans after listening to people who have already been there is a big thing for me. However, someone’s past can’t dictate your future. Your own past can’t dictate your future. Maybe it wasn’t so much the plan, but the execution.
Basically, be good with change. Be adaptable. Let yourself love the moment, look forward to the future and always look for the good from the past, but don’t forget the lesson. (This is all coming from someone who is still actively working on all of these things. One super quick yet dreadfully long day at a time.)