I can’t talk openly the way I want to. I can’t tell you the bad or the good right now. It is truly killing me. I have always striven to be open and honest with people except when to do so would hurt them or someone else. That is the case right now. Not all parties involved in this story of my life are ok with my openness. I respect that.
It is public knowledge that my husband and I are no longer living together and are not going to stay married. There is so much that has led to this decision. I do not need pity or sadness. While this is the right decision. It is very difficult. We brought the most amazing child into this world and we will always be her parents and therefore, we will always be connected. I believe both of us have her needs foremost in our minds and hearts. I believe we are both putting our desire for her happiness first.
I will tell you this is the hardest thing I have ever been through. The situation that surrounds this separation’s finality was one of the most trying times in my life. I am not allowed to speak about it right now. I know people do this all the time. I know I am not special and my life is no worse than anyone else’s. But that is the thing, this is my life and it sucks sometimes.
Overall, though, I feel happy. I feel a release that makes my soul feel lighter. I know that in time we will reach a great place as Vivienne’s parents. I know that God has a plan and it is not my job to know it right now. He will reveal the road I need to be on step by step. Right now, that is all I can see. My tendency is to plan everything. I can’t. I have to just trust God’s plan.
For someone who’s brain never stops, this is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but it is probably the most necessary. I feel this painful growth happening. Yet again the phoenix must rise from the ashes as the life I have known for 6 years lays in ruin at my feet.
I have had many people tell me they are in shock. They say, but you were so happy in your pictures! My close friends were not in shock. I was happy in the pictures.My smiles are genuine. My joy is real. We did not have a bad life together. For the most part, I really enjoyed our life. What it comes down to is my sobriety. My sobriety is my life and my life is mandatory for everything else.
There are no bad people in this, just bad situations. I believe that if you let situations dictate your happiness you will fail to ever understand the depth of true happiness. Sadness happens, but you can’t stay there. You can’t let that be your state of mind. Cry is out. Yell about it. Get those negative hurtful thoughts and feelings out. Don’t let them live in you. Good is always happening around you. Happy is always there, it is up to you to find it.
I find my happy in everything from the smallest details like the fluffy new hair cut of my sweet furbaby to the big things like hooking fish all day. I think you have to let the joy of jelly beans from a friend filter through your day. Look forward to your favorite meal with someone who makes you laugh. Schedule fun things with fun people. For me, not sitting still is always key, but that is just me. I like to plan these little moments of happy to get me through times that may not be so easy. Not seeing my child everyday is hard. I cry about it almost everyday. Not talking to someone who was my best friend for 6 years is also an adjustment. Learning this new life is a daily adjustment. I know it will change gradually and I have to get more adaptive. My new normal will look different as time passes.
I let Vivienne see me cry sometimes because frankly I can’t help it. I try to keep everything positive because the truth is, everything really is positive. Travis and I know have a chance to become our best selves. We made a decision 6 years ago as very different people. We tried our absolute best after my sobriety, but the plan God has for us is not together. Saying that in print is even more painful that I thought it would be. However, just because my family did not work out the way I planned, it does not mean it is wrong.
There are also some awesome things that I truly never thought were real that are happening in my life. Those, too, are not things I can be open with because the time is just not right. My heart has so much joy and so much pain at the same time I truly just feel exhausted from the fullness of my spirit. The best thing though, I stayed sober. I stayed sane. I stayed me. I got up and went to work when I didn’t want to. I used oils to fend off the anxiety and depression that tried their best to rule me. AND I never wanted to drink. I never had the desire. That, my friends, is huge. That is what I am most proud of in this. I know that only happened because of the amazing support and prayer surrounding me. I know that God only gives you what you can handle. I know that I am not alone and that if I allow it, He can use all this mess for good.
So, that is about all I can talk about right now. So things will look different on this blog for a little bit. Maybe I will right an anonymous novel about this crazy lifetime moie drama I am in. If you have questions, ask, but don’t say you are so sorry. Don’t feel bad for me. So much growth and so much good is coming from this pain. Know that if you are struggling, you can do this. You can make it. Find your joy.