It does shock me sometimes when I am a responsible mom. That may sound bad, maybe it is bad to even think that, but it is the truth. I really never thought I would see the day that I chose groceries over clothes. Selfish? Yes. I am. Old me, would drop $200 on fashion over healthy meals any day, without question. That was before I became a mom. That was before someone else’s life was more valuable to me. Becoming a mom changed my life. It changed my goals, my ideas, my wants, my entire life. That is how it should be, but it still feels strange sometimes.
Today we did mommy daughter things. I watch her shows, cook food she would like, go places she wants and basically just put her first. Again, I know this is natural for so many moms, but not all of us. I don’t think twice about it, but I do think about it. There are times I struggle. There are times I would rather eat ramen and buy that cute dress, but I don’t do it. Today I actually planned meals and wrote a grocery list. I guess some women do that naturally, men too. I see these women in the moms groups I am in posting about what meals they are cooking. I think, do you really enjoy this? How can you? I used to love cooking, but sporadically and not boring, cost-effective food a 3 year old likes. Sobriety has been interesting in so many ways, one of those is my appetite. It still isn’t fully back. I do want to eat, but only if it sounds truly delicious. Spaghetti is not on that list.
This post isn’t just about food, but about being a mom. The natural feel of that. I was not the little girl who grew up dreaming about my wedding/marriage/children. Nope, not at all. If you had asked 12 year old me, I was not doing any of those things. I was going to travel the world, rich and famous. I still want to travel the world, but I am not interested in the famous part, rich I wouldn’t turn down, so don’t count me out on that yet. Being a mom has changed me dreams. My dream is to experience life with her! To show her how wonderful life is, how great God’s creation is. Sometimes I hear people talk about the world ending and I think, NO, wait! I am not ready! I have so much to show my baby! Am I the only one that still really loves being alive and this awesome world? Ok, clearly another post.
She is 3 and is in a whirlwind of a phase. The mood can change so rapidly, moment to moment I don’t know what I am getting. However, she comes by that honestly. She is so much like me sometimes, it is truly scary. Thank goodness she does have some characteristics of her father though! It turns out, I love hanging out with my kid! I honestly did not see that coming. I know, again, sounds awful. There are times, like when she is screaming on the floor about broken pop tarts, that I want a break. Then, the minute she is gone, I want to turn around and get her. I miss her! The thought of taking a trip without her, gives me anxiety. I do have to share her because she is well loved. We have 3 sets of grandparents in town and various others that like time with her. I love that she is so loved and how much joy she brings to people. I love how amazing she is and that wild personality that develops more everyday.
I love being a mom. I can’t and don’t want to imagine life without her. I know that God knew what He was doing when He gave me my Viv and at just the right time. She roots me to reality. She gives me this ever present desire to be responsible, to make the right decision. She makes me want to succeed, even when I feel like giving up. She brings this joy that I really never thought existed. She makes things new. There are times though that I have to actually make that right decision. There are times when I desire to be selfish and have to talk myself out of it. Ultimately though, being a great mom (and wife) wins that internal struggle. That laugh she has always solidifies my choice to be a mother first.