I was driving home the other day from my oily friend Wendy’s house. I knew my little and hubby were both home. I knew they were having a good time and that he was going to have dinner ready for us. I knew I had nothing I had to get done that night and that I could snuggle with my family. Tears came to my eyes. Tears of joy. I know, weird and I am also turning into my mother(which isn’t really a bad thing.) Why was I so happy? Because I miss them! I was so excited to have a night to do nothing, which is rare.
I am too busy. That is why I haven’t written in almost 2 months. Well, I haven’t written my words down. Almost every night I write in my head. I come up with all these clever and beautiful things I think I will remember, but never do. You are missing out on so much…unless you follow me on social media, then you are only missing out on a little bit.
I recently realized that I am so busy, that I not happy. I enjoy a good level of being active. I don’t really like to just sit still. I am not good at sitting still. I think it is because my mind just seems to run constantly. If my mind can’t be still, it is VERY hard for my body to be still. As I approach 4 years of sobriety I am grasping things newly sober me never could have. I really don’t know if it has taken 4 years to come out of the fog of addiction or if I needed 4 years to grow. It really doesn’t matter. Either way, it has taken that long, but in the scheme of things, I guess it isn’t that long.
Let’s see, what I have been so busy doing. First things first, mom life. Having an almost 3-year-old is one of the best things and one of the hardest things I have ever done. I suppose that is parenting. I thought that the older she got, it would get easier because I have taught young children for so long. In a way, it has, but in so many other ways it hasn’t. She is becoming her own little unique person and it is truly amazing to watch. Part of me hates being away from her. Part of me wants to stay with her all day and night so that I don’t miss something. I know that for her and for me, that is more self-serving than what is best for us. I have said before that I know I am not a SAHM and she is not a SAHkid! You have to know what is best for you and your family. For us, my hubby and I also need time for just the two of us. It is vital for us. We have both come so far in the past 4 years and we are almost like strangers sometimes. We have to spend one on one time to really figure out how the other person is evolving and stay in touch with that process. Also, if I didn’t fish, we might strangle each other.
Working out of the home full-time is extremely challenging, especially with his schedule. He works 24 on 48 off. He goes in at night and gets off at night. In a way we are used to it. We can almost feel when the 48 hours is nearing an end. We are growing to appreciate the time apart, but being by yourself many nights a week, is difficult. This schedule can throw off what I plan outside work, too. I think, Oh! He is home so he can watch Vivi while I go to this Junior League meeting! Then when the day comes and he has worked over time and I haven’t seen him several nights in a row, the last thing I want to do is go anywhere after I worked all day.
I realized that I over-committed when I was working from home. I thought I would have plenty of time, then I started in the classroom again and that time vanished. I so desperately want to help. I want to give back. I am so grateful that I got a chance at life again. I know so many addicts don’t. Volunteering was my way of saying thank you for giving me a chance. I wanted to prove my worth, as well. I have value, I would tell myself. One of the hard things about recovery is that you feel like you can never get out from under those mistakes. The wrong you did follows you like a cloud over Eyore. The funny thing is, you start making more mistakes trying to outrun that cloud instead of just enjoying the cool rain.
I had said yes to too many things. I was happy, but I couldn’t enjoy it! I had something else to do, something else to plan and somewhere else to be. I had to prioritize. I wasn’t having time to get to AA meetings. Bad. I knew that. No, I don’t want to drink, but I sure as heck have not been very serene lately. I was frustrated with people around me. I was not forgiving. People were wasting what little time I had. I couldn’t handle it! A friend in the program reminded me of where I needed to be. BUT, but, but, I have NO time. Wrong, I have the same amount of hours in a day as everyone else. What I was doing with my time was wrong. Priorities! That was what had to change.
I had to decide on where to place my time. My time away from Vivi is precious and I want to make the most of it. We recently joined Bradfordville First Baptist Church, where my family is and I wanted to be sure to be active. God spoke to me through a sermon and reminded me that my service for Him and His kingdom is first and foremost. My time on Earth is temporary, Heaven is forever. What was I doing for the kingdom of God? Yes, volunteering is wonderful, but if it makes me too busy for church, my time is not well spent. I realized how important my work with essential oils is, too.
Young Living has been so fulfilling. I love hearing excited new oil users or even people who discovered new ways to use oils and how Young Living has helped them. I would be a Young Living Essential Oils distributor for free. These oils were heaven sent for me. They give me a way to give back and help people while also helping my family. This has been my prayer and dream ever since I got sober. I wanted a job/career that allowed me to help others. Now I have 2 of those. I realize what a blessing this is.
I finally have a 5 year plan I can be proud of. I have goals and aspirations that make sense! I finally have the patience to achieve actual success. I think that I am getting there because I finally realize that success is meaningless unless it is God’s will. Sometimes I wonder why God did what He did. I want to say, God I really feel like I was listening, why did that go wrong? It didn’t, He just wasn’t finished. I am so excited to feel true contentment. I know I am a work in progress. I know He will never be done with me. Just like I will constantly have to reevaluate what is most important at any given time. Things change, so I will change. Right now: faith, sobriety, family, teaching, oils and volunteering. Oh, and fishing, always fishing.