My Life is a Lie

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It is still a lie if it is a lie of omission, right? I was told that my marriage was a “Facebook lie” by a girl who was saying anything she could to hurt me, because she was feeling empty and needed someone to take it out on. I thought about that one of her asinine insults the most. I was hurt that I had cared about her, still do. That is one of my main issues, caring too much. I care about other people who don’t care back. I was told by a therapist to not let it hurt me, to not allow people “into my circle” that don’t deserve to be. I am not good at that.

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So, I thought about that comment about a Facebook lie. I do lie. I lie by omission. I don’t post about days that suck. I don’t post about our fights or disagreements. The pictures I post are of the good moments, not the bad. I don’t post, “feeling lost and sad, don’t want to get out of the house today.” I don’t post pictures of me crying. Those things happen. Often. I heard in an AA meeting the other day, that when you get sober, you are the age you were when you started using. So, that makes me 15. That is now obvious to me.

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I have been working through some serious emotions since my sobriety date 3 + years ago. I had to start life again. I had/have to figure out who I am. I have made a ton of mistakes sober. That is hard. I almost thought, hey, I am sober now, all mistakes will be behind me! No. Not at all. My brain lies to me. My addict brain will always be an addict brain. I falsely tell myself that my happiness will come from the things I don’t have. This is mainly clear with my poor choices in my work life. I can look back on things and see my mistakes. I see them, I recognize them, but I can’t change them. I feel stuck sometimes. Stuck in my bad decisions. I felt like I was behind. Truth, I wasn’t, I am not. I have been forced to deal with myself, my emotions. I have to to face the issues in myself to maintain sobriety.

Vivi takes a million of these selfies.....

Vivi takes a million of these selfies…..

The interesting thing about her insult is that one of the few things I have true confidence in is my family, my marriage. While we are not perfect, no one’s marriage is, I think mine is pretty great. I don’t post about the bad things, because they are not the things I want to remember. They are momentary. They don’t last. The good is what lasts.I am proud of my husband. I am proud of how we are growing in our relationship. I am proud of working together on the water and the business, as well as parenting.

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Speaking of parenting, I really don’t think anyone wants to see pictures, or really even videos of my toddler throwing her tantrums. Trust me, these are not enjoyable. Vivienne is an amazing child. She is just like her momma when it comes to her emotions. She feels them, deeply. She is also very smart. Sometimes, this combination is really great and sometimes it is really bad. So, I suppose I am lying by omission. I don’t post the pictures, that I do actually take, of her not so pleasant moments. I don’t want to forget those moments. They are real. They are her growing up. They are somewhat painful to go through. They are true parenting.

I feel like I am brutally honest about myself and my relationships in my blog. You read that. You get the whole story. You aren’t scrolling along, liking things. Besides, there isn’t a dislike button and it can be difficult to comment sometimes. I do reach out to people and let them know I need guidance or to ask for prayer. I am a transparent person. I like to let people in. Even if I didn’t prefer it that way, I have to. I wear my heart on my forehead. You can clearly see every emotion. It is awful. I hate it, but I have to learn how to process my emotions. The 15-year-old me is still struggling with moving forward. I still have these lapses in judgement on how I handle anger and frustration. I see myself getting mad and not being able to put on the brakes. My maturity leaves when I feel wronged. I think it makes sense now. At my most vulnerable state I become that girl from the time the time the traumatic event happened.

I am thankful to have support as I work through this. I have parents who really do get it. I have a husband that is patient with me. I have friends that love me and tell me so. I do have negative things in my life. I have people in my life that have literally told me I am crazy and that I should just go drink. That hurts. I have heard these things from people I care about.. I have heard people try to pull me down with using my addiction against me, by labeling me as crazy and treating addict like a four letter word. The truth, I am grateful to be in recovery. I believe I have reached a higher understanding of life that I never would have, if I hadn’t had to face my demons. Not everyone has to. Many people live their whole lives never truly knowing who they are. I am glad, as painful as it is, to truly know myself.

So, in a way, I feel like my life is the most real it could possibly be. I just don’t post it as a status, but I do write about it. I feel like I have come a long way in my short time living a sober life. I have had so many things change in this short 3 years. So many things have gone wrong that are truly unbelievable unless you are there. It can be so tragic, you just have to laugh. So, instead of focusing on that, I focus on the good. The good is really all that matters. I have a happy, healthy child. I love being a mom. I have a marriage that has sustained some intense storms. We have been hit on all sides with some powerful, boat sinking waves. We are still sailing along. I have grown in my faith and my sobriety. I am learning some awesome lessons about myself. So really, it is all good. God is good. God will provide. I love the contentment and happiness that is growing within me and around me. My life is real, my emotions are raw, I am all out there. I am me.

 

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