You can’t see it that well, but there are hundreds of bees in this tree. You can hear them as you walk closer. You can almost feel them. I feel like this tree sometimes. I feel the buzz of my insaneness all around me. I can’t seem to get it to quiet, sometimes. I feel myself just buzzing with crazy. I know this. It is almost worse that I am aware of my crazy and I can’t do much about it. I work very hard to maintain myself. I do counseling, therapy, meetings and now oils. I know that I need to maintain my physical health more effectively. Overall, I feel great about the progress I have made in my emotional and mental health. The problem comes when I start to look outside of myself.
I felt myself getting annoyed when a friend was trying to comfort me recently. She was basically saying everyone experiences anxiety and depression, she just didn’t say it like that. I took it as, get over yourself. Just be normal, Vanessa. I am fairly certain that is not what she meant. I have seen and heard several things to that tune in the past week. Things like people experiencing depression and anxiety. A friend posted a status that I think said it best. She sad she was feeling some anxiety symptoms lately because of her father’s illness. She then said, she was sorry for people who felt these things often. It was that perspective that changed my mood, really my whole outlook.
I get it. I think most people have felt anxiety and depression at some point. Most people know what I am talking about when I describe despair. You understand. However, it doesn’t plague you in your everyday life. It isn’t looming over you constantly. There is usually a reason you get anxious or extremely sad. That is one of the main differences in people who suffer from chronic depression/anxiety. There isn’t a reason. It comes out of the blue. It tears apart a seemingly good day. It is the irrationality of it that makes us different.
I am glad you get it! I am glad you have been there and can sympathize with me. You know. You have a tip of the iceberg type feeling for what I experience. Thank you for trying to be in this boat with me. Unfortunately, I have to row this boat all by myself. I have to be the one to keep going. It is nice to know you feel like you are sinking, too, sometimes. I feel like we are paddling this river of life together.
I read a quote the other day that really struck me. “A lot of what separates those who want and those who have is the simple fact that one stopped while the other kept going.” That is it. Your want can be anything; love, sobriety, work, family, the list keeps going. You have to remember that your want, is probably a lot different from other’s wants. I feel like this has been one of my huge problems. I don’t know what I want. My sobriety has changed me, in a good way, but the struggle to really be sure of myself is hard. I have had so much change in the past 3+ years and I have stayed sober. I didn’t quit, even when I wanted to. I didn’t give in to my human weakness. I have made some major work related mistakes. I am so grateful that I have support.. I haven’t given up on my family, faith or sobriety. That is AWESOME! I forget that. I feel that sadness for my mistakes in the back of my mind. The good things I have accomplished are quiet. My failure is loud. That simple quote is huge. I haven’t given up on some MAJOR things. Honestly, the root of my joy has stayed in tack.
My joy comes from my sobriety, my faith and my family. Everything else is extra. I want to find success in my work. I want to make money to support my family. I know that will come. I have trouble being happy with today. I can’t seem to have joy about today, without worrying about tomorrow. I can’t shelf that desire to be more successful so that I can truly enjoy right now. I can’t change the future all at once. It is a day by day process. That is life, really. Do what you can do about today. Be happy with today. Don’t wish it away for something you think will be better. Most likely, it won’t be enough. It will never be enough. The real key in life is to find contentment in right now. To see the joy in each day and whatever it may bring.
That has been what I have been focusing on. The sermon Sunday was focused on God’s grace. God’s grace makes ugly things beautiful. One of the really cool things to me is, God’s grace doesn’t make sense, like me. I don’t make sense either! I feel like God is pretty awesome, especially for that. God is beyond comprehension, which is so wonderful because that makes me feel so much better about life. So much of it is beyond comprehension. I think that human nature tries to make things line up and add up. Then things don’t line up or add up and I am left feeling lost and confused. God is saying, they don’t make sense, Vanessa. Stop trying to make it all make sense. It doesn’t. WOOHOO! I am so glad it doesn’t. All I need to do is rest in Him. Relax in God’s love and His plan.
I need help with that. While I rationally understand all the things I just said, my irrational brain needs help to rest. That is one reason I am so thankful I found Young Living Essential Oils. I love sharing my discovery because of all the help they have provided me. Now that I get you get it too, I feel like I can help. I want you to experience the relief I have. Two of my favorites are Joy and Stress Away! I am excited to be doing my first Giveaway! All you have to do is fill out the Daily Squeeze disclaimer, then comment below so I can get you added to our group! This gets you entered to win Joy! It is one of my all time favorite oils! It helps lift me out of my irrational brain and put me in the driver’s seat for happiness!
Fill out this link (it takes two seconds maybe more like a minute): https://docs.google.com/forms/d/11JNfzTJcqlOZD4LaoEOjDp9B6GFFzfVV80MNhWvnATA/viewform