Being the mom of a toddler is the most surreal thing. She drives me crazy and I can’t wait for a break, but then the minute she is gone, I am lost. I feel this gaping hole that can only be filled with her. It is nuts. You can’t understand that feeling until you are a mom.
Lately, she has been fighting me on everything. Everything. If I say black, she says white. I have to play this game to get her to do anything. I hate it, but reverse psychology WORKS! One of our biggest battles is putting clothes on and taking clothes off. Whatever she has on she wants to keep on. Sometimes, I am tempted to let her just keep on her jammies all day, but then it would turn in to days because she would never want to take them off. So, I am a mean mommy and I make her wear actual play clothes. I am not mean in that I want her to wear a specific thing. I really don’t care what it is she has on, I just want it to be clean. As a mom that also struggles with depression, I think the act of putting on clothes to go out in public is somewhat therapeutic. It changes how you are feeling.
For me, mornings can be hard, especially now that I am working from home, so taking a shower and getting dressed changes how each day will go. It seems so simple, but it becomes a big thing after I am clean and dressed.I want to instill these seemingly simple things in her. The whole, even when you don’t want to do something you have to sometimes, thing. I feel like it is these types of qualities that benefit her for the better. They can really help her later in life.
I am not a strict mom. I am not the mom I thought I would be. I realize now that you can plan all you want, but the child you birth can change all those plans in a literal heartbeat. Vivienne is her own person. I see qualities of both myself and Travis, but she is her own self. At only 2 and 1/2 years old, she has definite ideas and plans for what she wants. While I love that, it can be hard when you as the parent has your own plans, too. Balancing those plans is difficult!
If we did all Vivienne’s plans we would wear our jammies and swing all day. Maybe take a break for whoagurt(yogurt) and applesauce. All these things sound great, except when she wants you to do them right along with her. She wants you to sit right there or do this specific thing. She is also wanting me to “hold you” (her) all the time. She is not a tiny baby anymore. She is definitely solid and heavy! It can’t be her dad, it has to be me. When we went to the caverns in Mariana, FL, she insisted I carry her most of the way through. Part of me is frustrated because she is heavy and the other part realizes that this will end. She will grow up and I will miss that. I will miss being close to her like that.
That part of motherhood totally scares me. I want to really enjoy every minute, every phase because I know it is only here for a brief moment, a moment you can never get back. Terrifying. I suppose that as a recovering alcoholic, I am more aware of this because I did loose moments. There are gaps in my history that I can’t get back. I don’t know, can’t remember, what happened. It is just a blur. Maybe that is also why I take so many pictures. I love looking at them with her. We look at pictures each night. It is almost a ritual we do now. It is part of our bedtime routine. “Mommy, show me pictures, pees.”
I try to hold our memories close, as close as I hold her. Even though this is a hard phase, maybe they all are, I love it. I love laughing with Travis as we tell her she can’t go potty, “don’t you go pee-pee!” She is growing so quickly, I know cliché, but true! I feel like we are in slow motion and fast forward at the same time. It is a unique feeling. A feeling that I cherish because being Vivienne’s mom is the best thing I have ever done.