Death of a Saleswoman

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I am not a saleswoman. I learned that the hard way. It isn’t that I am not good at it, I just don’t want to be good at it. I hate it, actually. I hate convincing people to choose me or buy from me. I have been criticized for my lack of vision and the inability to “sit still.” Which, after retrospect, maybe they are right.

When you get sober after over a decade of using, things are more complicated than one can really be ready for. Not that you are really “ready” to get sober and have your life do a 180. No one is saying active addiction is fun or pretty or nice, but it is your life. You get used to it in a way. Well, it is scientific actually, your brain reprograms. It puts your drug first. It puts that thing that makes you feel good, first. Even after 3 years of sobriety I find myself wondering what I am thinking and why I would choose to do certain things.

My addiction started when I was still in high school. It changed everything. My life changed course permanently. 3 years ago, when I go sober, I felt like I got control of my life back. The problem was, then I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt like I wasted so much time. I wanted to speed things up and catch up to where I should have been minus my addiction. Then, I got pregnant. Yep, that changed everything, again. My life became all about her and maintaining my sobriety, especially for my baby. Having a family changes things. Those plans I thought I had. That success I needed.

I am still trying to figure out what success means. I had several jobs since sobriety that didn’t work out and not by my choice. I have had so many devastating blows to my pride. I consider it a success that each time, I stayed sober. I dealt with it in another way than what my brain was telling me.

Growing up, I had high hopes for myself. My life now was no where near my radar back then. I don’t look back on it and regret or want to change anything. I consider everything I am and have now as a success. It isn’t easy to be a sober girl in this world that keeps trying to knock me down. I am proud of that.

I have a family that I love and we have made it through some really tough situations. We are not perfect, but we are perfect for each other. We get to do some awesome things together almost everyday! We live on a “farm” and get to go fishing often. We love being together and I know how special that is.

I know that I am trying my best to follow God’s plan, even though I know I fail sometimes. I still have trouble getting my own plan to be quiet so that I can hear God’s. I talk so loud. I do know that I feel peace when I am focusing on my family and giving back. I know that everyone is different and some people are meant to be in sales. They enjoy that drive. Me, it is just exhausting. I like sharing things I love and helping other people, at a much slower pace now! I like having time to do nothing. I love feeding the chickens in the morning and then swinging with Viv in the afternoon.  I like fishing without feeling like I am supposed o be doing something else! That nagging feeling that I am missing out on a sale or connection.

This girl had to put her hustle down. From now on, I know I am not a salesperson. I am not sure where my life is going to end up, but it really doesn’t matter. For right now, I know I am in God’s will. I know I am doing the right thing. Tomorrow is another thing. I have to focus on each day as it comes and what my purpose is for that day.

So, before you criticize someone for their lack of vision, think about how hard they might have had to work to find their very purpose for life.

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