I guess it should bother me that I identify with the Cheshire Cat. It doesn’t though. I have been dealing with this one word, crazy. Am I crazy? Is it OK? Who decided what crazy is? I suppose all addicts are crazy. I am crazy for wanting to drink, even when I know it will kill me. It isn’t rational. I know it isn’t. I don’t really want the drink, I want the feeling that that drink can bring. It is true that an addict has a different reality than all you normal people out there(whom I have yet to meet). It is a scientific fact that our brains have changed. We are different. Now that sounds like some zombie junk! I can’t do what “normal people” can do! I just can’t. I am not sure I want to though.
I often will say that I am in no danger of drinking, but that isn’t true. When my feelings get hurt, I want to drink. I want to escape. How? My mind races and I start to feel myself slipping. I get in my car and drive. For over 15 years I drove to the store and bought beer and cigarettes. What do I do now? The other day I was just so down. I got in my car, blared my music and drove. I told myself I was just going to do it. A six-pack wouldn’t hurt. Maybe even four? No one would know and I could get out of my head for a little bit. I got to the store and bought cigarettes and energy drinks. I couldn’t buy alcohol. I would know. I have heard on more than one occasion that “I am doing so well.” They think one wouldn’t hurt, but it would. It would unravel everything I had sewn together.
I have been sober for over 3 years now. I started drinking and drugging when I was 15. That is a long time. Those are a lot of years. My daughter is only 2. So if you do the math, that isn’t much time to figure out who I am sober. It is almost like a rebirth. What do I love? How do I want to spend my time? These are all questions I have to figure out now. I know that sounds a little dramatic, shocker, but it is just what I am dealing with. Sure, I am the same person minus the alcohol, but the alcohol was a HUGE part of who I was. It is still a huge part of who I am because now I have to figure out how to keep myself away from it! I spent a good deal of time consumed by my addiction. I like who I am becoming, but it can be hard to figure out which path to take.
In a way, I feel like I need to make up for a decade of wasted time. I know, rationally I can’t look at it that way, but I am still working on controlling my sub-conscience. Sitting and doing nothing just makes my skin crawl now. I am now addicted to being busy. I am serious when I say I can get addicted to any and everything. I hate that. That is exactly what I have to work to NOT do. Contentment. That is the goal. How does one reach that? I keep thinking of all the clichés that are so annoyingly true. The joy is in the journey. If you don’t enjoy each day, each moment, something needs to change. Sure, you have to do things you don’t necessarily want to do sometimes, but overall, can you find peace in that you are accomplishing something?
When I was younger I wanted to sing and act professionally. That was what I did. I loved performing. I also wanted to be assassinated on the red carpet in my 30s because I didn’t want children and I thought that was long enough to suffer on Earth. It was right around the time Tupac was killed and everyone was mourning his death. Not sure why that made such an impact on me. I was a preteen. Who knows. I do not feel that way anymore. I love being alive. I love experiencing life! My hopes and dreams have changed. I love work now, when it is something I truly have a passion for. It also seems like I have passion for so many things! I love every new experience and I have this fear of missing something. I was born that way. I didn’t like going to sleep because I was sure my parents were having the best time and I was missing it.
In my quest to live a life of quality, I have to make sure that what I give my precious time to is helping me maintain that quality of life. Am I spending my time on things that will help me right now all while being cognizant of the future. Am I giving enough time to my family? Am I doing things to provide for them now and later? Making sure all of these things are happening can make me feel mad. I sometimes feel like I don’t know where I am going or why. It makes me feel crazy. I have begun to organize my chaos and I believe it is helping me manage the mess. I also started exercising and I am sure it is helping quiet those demons. The essential oils have been a huge part of this progress as well. All the things I do have to work together to propel this train I am driving. I don’t want to look back at my life and think, “Oh, well, it was mediocre.” I want my life to be dynamic and exciting. I want to feel satisfaction that I made the most of it! I tried to limit my “God talk” in this post, but I just can’t. The only way I know I am on the track is through prayer. The only way any of this matters, is through my relationship with Him.
I am excited about each day and I honestly never thought I would say that. I love living life. I hope this made some sense in some weird way. My advice on how to love life? Get out there and just enjoy it! Be an active part of living your life!