My doctor said that I need to be journaling. It helps to get the thoughts out on paper before I try to sleep. He also said to not bring the computer to bed. Whoops. Sleep has been a battle my whole life. I remember telling my parents I had insomnia because I couldn’t get to sleep by 11pm when I was 9. I also had nightmares about Jaws, the only “scary movie” I watched before adulthood. So, sleep has been a struggle. My mind just never quits. If you ask me what I am thinking about and I say nothing, I am lying. I probably just don’t have the energy to explain. I had blood work done by doctor’s orders and I have extremely low iron. That comes from only eating cupcakes. I am anemic and have low energy. I am just not hungry. It is hard to eat when you just aren’t hungry. I have to find a way because I need more energy. I have too much to do to be low on energy.
It will be 3 years at the end of November, 3 sober years. “What are you thinking about?” The old me. The new me. The old me wanted to escape. I just wanted a way out. I wanted to be excited. I wanted something new. I was bored. The new me wants to be more in. I want to feel the moment. I realize that this is now. I have to figure out a way to enjoy now and not just look towards more. I was constantly looking towards the door in my previous life. I was waiting for the next big thing. I was waiting for it to happen to me. Now I know, I have to make it happen. I have to control me, my emotions.
I know, what the heck is she talking about? If you have been there, you know. I laugh at this “club” I seem to be in now. Do you get it? Do you get me? The people who have to figure out how to live in the now club. We don’t get the easy way out. We don’t get to have a drink to escape our bad day. We have to embrace it and move with it. I am always aware of myself. It is painful at times. It pushes me to be more. I have to if I want to survive. And I do! I do want to survive. There were times that I just didn’t feel life was worth the pain. It is. I promise. For someone who truly feels everything, it is hard to just pass through this life not caring. I have to care. It is learning how to manage that. The good thing is I don’t have to do it alone. (So cliché. I know.)
When I am angry, I am really angry. The same can be said for all emotions. I feel them and express them to the absolute fullest. Blessing/curse type thing. I was told to “get help” because I am “unstable” when I was mad a couple of weeks ago. That bothered me. Those words in particular. Then after thinking about it, I can be unstable and I am getting help. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I am actively working to be the best I can be. I know I will never be perfect. I have things I need to work on. I have to work on my things. I don’t get the luxury of ignoring them. They could kill me if I ignore them.
I realized I need to pick up the blog again. I am able to express what so many feel. I am an unstable human being, but I am far from alone. I think most people are unstable at times. Whether you chose to admit that or hide it is what separates us. I see changes in the mental health and addiction stigma. Now is the time for change. There is nothing “wrong” with my mental issues. It is me. I am my brain. Expect we just don’t understand it. The brain that is. We don’t get it. So it scares us. The fear of the unknown.
As far as why I quit writing, I don’t know. Constant self reflection is difficult. However, it is necessary. I am starting a new chapter of my life that I would never have been able to pre-sobriety. I do notice myself getting back to the Vanessa before the drugs. I know I will never have all of me back, but over time I will recover little by little. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world for the better while I am here. In that I can find satisfaction. In that I can find peace.
I will be the queen of multi-tasking as I embark on my new career in real estate and as a merchandiser for Chloe and Isabel. Variety is what keeps me sober or happy really. I have no desire to drink, but I do have the desire to escape sometimes. I am not sure if that ever leaves. How do I combat that? Fishing. Crazy, but true. I get to escape every trip we go on. It is funny to think of something so simple be the answer to such complicated questions. Get the fish on the hook. The other answer, my relationship with Christ. I feel like I have to take up for Christians these days. “I am not like the others!” So many give the rest of us a bad name. It’s ok though. I am loud and proud of all me. I have to be present and I want to make the most of this life for those that love me.
I will be keeping up with my writing from now on. You can’t get rid of me that easily!