Genie, You’re Free

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I was hit hard when I found out Robin Williams lost his battle with depression and ended his life. He was a success story for people like me, who struggle with depression and self medicating addiction. I was just sad. I cried for someone I didn’t know. I never thought I would do that, but he was on my team. He was my kind. He was fighting, just like me. He was one of those people who was transparent. I don’t think he could help it, like me. I felt like you could see him, really see him. There was always that pain that hid behind his eyes.

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Then I was appalled to see people posting about selfishness. That suicide is selfish. I can’t say all suicide isn’t, but depression induced suicide is anything, but selfish. I truly hope we begin to discuss mental health more and remove the stigma from such issues. “It’s not your fault.” Mental health issues are not your fault. It is painful to hear such ridiculous claims directed towards people suffering. I hope it is just ignorance to a disease that no one understands. No one understands the brain. No one. You don’t understand your own brain, much less anyone else’s. There is no “easy way out” of depression or addiction. You trudge through this life one moment at a time. I hope to enjoy it more than I hate it, but I can’t guarantee anything. I also can’t speak for Robin Williams, but I have an idea of what he might have felt because I have felt a sadness my whole life. There has always been a depth that I couldn’t grasp. I wanted a reason, a release from trying to find that reason.

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I love my life. I have almost any and every thing a person could truly want, yet some times it just isn’t right. Sometimes I feel a weight on me that I can’t seem to shake. My husband will ask, “What’s wrong?” I wish I knew. I don’t know. There isn’t a reason when I feel sad. I have learned to focus on wonderful and happy things, but that doesn’t always work. There are tools and advice you can follow to make the most of  things, but sometimes, it just isn’t enough.  I drank for over 10 years. Why? The main reason was to sleep. Then I realized it was alcoholism. I realized much too l late. I have always hated going to bed because I have always struggled to quiet my mind. There are unexplainable things that happen in there. Am I crazy? Sure. Maybe I am just more honest. Maybe I am not good at distracting myself with life.

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I am a Christian, but not the type most people think of these days.I believe 100% in the Bible. I am only alive because of my faith and those who truly loved me from the beginning. I find joy in my life because I know that this world IS only temporary. This isn’t it. I try my best to submerge myself in the love of Christ. I try to see the beauty in people and in the world God created. There is also sin and Satan that tries to rob me of that joy. When this life is over I will not be separated by that sin any longer. I know that I have to convey this love to others so that they can have that comfort. This is not “my fault.” I can’t just choose happiness. Depression and anxiety don’t work that way. It isn’t that simple.

I am only sober and functioning because of my creator’s love for me. I think that some of the most tortured people are some of the most caring people I have ever known. I can’t just dismiss people when there is some clear flaw. I care. I am not saying that other’s don’t. I am just saying I can’t shut it off. I can’t go home to my life and forget about others. I do my best to give it to my Savior, but I am human and I fail. I fail often. That doesn’t make me lesser. Describing what I feel in that time is impossible. You can’t see good, all you can feel is that dark weight. There are so many people that understand that. They tell me, not everyone, that they get it. They thank me for making it public. I am not alone, I know that. In those dark moments, I can’t see anything. I can’t feel anything, but dispare. It has been a long time since I felt absolutely no hope, but I know that it is always right behind me. I have to work, daily,, to stay one step ahead of it. My addiction/depression/Satan  is always right behind me.

Robin Williams was sober for 20 years. He was beating his demon. He was winning. That is why I try to explain to people, I did recover, I am always recovering. Until I am in heaven with my King, I will be fighting.

There is nothing easy about suicide. I am sure people who do finally succumb to death, feel no other way. It is not rational. It doesn’t make sense. It is insane for people to want insane people to be sane. It is cruel to say they were thinking about what they were doing when they took their own life. I have known many people who have ended their life. Those people were kind, loving and practicing Christians. I am confident that they were not rationally thinking. I know that they cared about their family and would not have done such a thing if they were in their right mind. It angers me that people can even say such ignorance out loud.

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The death of Mr. Williams is a true tragedy. I hope that we, as a society begin to have more of an open dialogue about mental health. I hope we can start to see it as just as important as physical health. They go hand in hand. Yes, I am crazy and so are you. We all are. I am a smart, funny, kind and caring crazy person. I hope I can win my battle with depression and addiction. I hope I can bring joy to others. I hope I can stay in the light of my Lord until He calls me home. I hope I can see the love and joy in each day. This life isn’t simple. It doesn’t make sense, but there can be joy. Joy in the journey. I don’t think suicide is the answer, but I do understand why someone could feel that. There are so many beautiful things about life, amazingly wonderful things. I know that it is harder for some. I love life, but it can feel like SO much. Too much. We can’t condemn people for something we don’t understand. For me, I work to make everything “worth it.” Just know, it is work. It is a struggle. I hope that we can be a little kinder to each other. You don’t know who is battling what. Remember that in all of your interactions. Love comes first.

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