You Just Need to Relax

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I was told I need to relax by someone I don’t even know anymore. I think people assume sober people don’t relax because we don’t drink. Just a guess. Honestly, I hate when I am told to relax or calm down. I don’t have to and generally, there is a reason I am upset in the first place. My husband has learned, the hard way, not to tell me to calm down because it will only make things worse. I don’t rely on anything except God to help me relax these days and it is hard! Coming from a recovering addict and tobacco user, it is ridiculously hard to not use anything outside of yourself to bring down your anger or hurt in certain situations. I do rely on my mother and cupcakes. So, there is that.

Poolside relaxing

Poolside relaxing

There is just this something inside me that won’t shut up when projects aren’t complete or things aren’t going right. I am diagnosed with anxiety and some OCD tendencies, that I do take medicine for. It is a chemical imbalance. People will tell me to just, “Let it GO.” (Now you are all singing Frozen!) I can’t  do that. I want to, but it is still there. That is one of the main reasons I use to drink. To forget, but now I know that only makes things worse and you usually just waste time. Now I relax in other ways. To truly relax takes work. It is a process. It is like building a strong foundation first. I can’t just wander aimlessly through life anymore. The odd thing is that I seemed more successful then,I landed more jobs. Now, my past has caught up with me. I had to stop running. It is hard to relax when you aren’t providing for your family like you want to. The only thing stopping you is your past, something that you can’t change.

Family time.

Family time.

So, I got a job that didn’t care about my past. Direct sales are hard. The beginning is the hardest part, or at least I hope so! I have all these great ideas and dreams, I just need to et off the ground. More stress. My husband started at the fire department which is a blessing, yet really hard for us. We are best friends and we miss each other. He did finally get out of the SUV he has been trapped in since that fatal day he signed the papers and into a truck. It has been a struggle and we are SO happy it is finally over. It is not easy to get a truck loan when you are rebuilding your credit and your wife is “finding herself.” I felt incredible guilt every time he drug me to the dealership. I wasn’t any help on that piece of paper. I don’t look god on paper these days.

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Getting your past shoved in your face on a daily basis just flat-out sucks. Yes, I wasted a decade. Lucky for you, otherwise I would be ruling the world by now. (Joke.) Getting sober and the journey there after is hard. People say, “Good for you!” all the time, but really have no desire to help you or understand. Even my closest friends say my sobriety is ‘my problem.’ It is hard to relax, but I do it.  I sleep, which is new. I use to never sleep when I was drinking. I don’t know if it is because my conscience is finally clear or that my mind is just giving up after hours of exhaustive work. I love sleep. I love naps. I rarely take them because there is WAY too much to do. I am now the woman with 20 hobbies. I love being alive. There are not enough hours in the day to do what I want to do. I want to meet all my friends for lunch, coffee, yogurt, dinner and dessert! I don’t have the funds to do that, but I love seeing people now. I love volunteering. I love crafting, art and photography! Most of all I love time with my family. There is just not enough time to do those things.

She is not always relaxing, but always worth it.

She is not always relaxing, but always worth it.

 

I love fishing to truly relax. It is odd because I get stressed in a completely different way when I fish. My focus comes off of money, people or anything else and gets placed on getting that fish into the boat. I tense the minute my line is in the water. All tension is released when I finally get him in the boat. It is a crazy rush that is just indescribable. I get to forget about all the other things happening in the maze that is my brain for that time. FIshing isn’t for everyone. Some people find that in running or art. The trick is finding something you can release in. Somewhere else to concentrate.

Yay, my swing!

Yay, my swing!

Yay, my swing!

I think it scares people when they realize that many doctors are alcoholics. Brilliant people become addicts because they can’t find a way to stop all the noise in their head. Am I brilliant? In a way. Most people are, in their own way, very talented. They have to find that talent.  It is all about channeling that energy into something productive that stimulates you in a positive way. THat is how I relax. I don’t post pictures of me having melt downs like my toddler, but they happen. For the most part, we are a very happy family. We have fun with life. We love on each other. We are far from perfect, but we try to grow together.

Sophie on my back at the vet.

Sophie on my back at the vet.

No, I don’t drink to relax. I don’t smoke to relax. I don’t depend on anything outside of myself, except God, to make me OK. I refuse to apologize for saying that. Yes, I think living a pure life is better. It is proven to be healthier and I feel so much better being clean. I do know that some of my food choices could be better. I am working on that, but I am done pretending nicotine is OK. It is not. My daughter will grow up knowing the evil that it is. She will also grow up knowing how addictive alcohol is. I  think it is a double standard that I have to worry about making other people uncomfortable, but they rarely, if ever, worry about being a stumbling block for me. No, I don’t want to drink, but I do want to talk to you sober. Honesty. I go to eat with friends who drink sometimes and I actually serve it at work. That’s not the point. The point is, you have no clue who is struggling. I’m open, I’m rare. Is that drink worth someone’s life?

My cupcake helper!

My cupcake helper!

Some issues get me fired up. I can’t relax just yet when I talk about them. One day at a time. Some people get me fired up.I will always have an addict brain. Any addict who tells you otherwise is lying, we are also good at that. I live moment to moment some days. I have a disease. It doesn’t get cured. It gets easier to deal with, but there is no cure. Meetings with people of like thought are important. Having friends that understand how to talk to you are important. I have certain people I know I can call when I am stressing. Mostly, my mom, who is basically on speed dial. She lives her life talking to recovering alcoholics, me and my Dad. Some people don’t get it, don’t call them, they only fan the flames.

My friend Heather's cast going for a walk.

My friend Heather’s cast going for a walk.

Wyatt will retrieve anything.

Wyatt will retrieve anything.

Find your way to relax. I have no problem admitting I love Real HOusewife TV. It helps me shut my brain off at night. I love our new bench swing on the back deck with a book. I love riding in the woods. Also, if you don’t have a pet, get one. Take a walk with them. Sure, you can walk a cat. Volunteer, focus on someone else. I am not the most zen person I know, but I know how to relax. The world needs all types of people, that’s why God created all types! I love my life with an air of excitement and urgency. I won’t apologize for that.  I think it’s a pro to who I am. Love who you are. Chances are they are jealous if they tell you to be any other way.

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