I am back! It took a week to get mostly moved in. Which is a lot longer than it normally takes me. I like things to be in their place. I am not OCD, well, maybe a little, but not extreme. Well, I guess that all depends on your definition od obsessive compulsive. So I probably am. I use to drink to calm my anxiety/OCD. I am now 2.6 years sober, so I don’t do that anymore. I do take medication to balance my brain and to sleep, no narcotics, duh. I hated not writing for a week. It is therapeutic to get things out of this busy head! I made time for the important things, like my child and church. We have moved more than most people and contrary to popular belief, I hate it.
This house is long-term. I think we have truly grown up a lot in the sober years. It is funny because there is this misconception that you get sober and everything is clear and perfect. In fact, it was much the opposite. When drinking, I had one main focus, getting my fix. Sober, I was free to think about so many things. My world opened up. This rocked my anxiety. It took a while to get my priorities in check. How do I do just one thing? I kept wanting to make up for lost time. I was excited to have the ‘real me’ back, but it was overwhelming sometimes. All that pressure of ‘potential’ came piling back on me. I feel like anxiety is an umbrella term used to describe disorders we can’t truly understand. It is physical, emotional and mental panic. It is a panic based on time revolving around expectations.
Moving always brings out the worst in my anxiety. My home has to be “right.” It has to have everything just right. I had a plan this move. I don’t take breaks or rest until the end of the day. We got the keys Monday afternoon and took a load of little stuff each. I took another load and then went to get Vivi. This was MAJOR for me. I stopped with my house full of boxes and two incomplete houses. The next day, my mom helped me move the kitchen stuff that Travis and his mom had previously packed. We also moved and put away the closets. It is like my brain switches modes. I get into this organizing mode. It is robotic and artistic at the same time. I have to see things spatially. I have always been this way. I use to be a visual merchandiser for retail stores. It is strange how I can see how things are supposed to look and just execute it. It is my math side of my brain. The geometry side. Wednesday we had a moving truck and movers help Travis. They were awesome. They didn’t understand why were we moving until I explained a couple of things. We got everything in the new house Wednesday! I got everything put away and eliminated most of the boxes. I was able to shut down ‘moving brain’ both nights so that I could focus on Vivienne.
Thursday I actually went to work with my home incomplete. There were things not hung! I was having a hard time getting to sleep, but I did eventually. I made it through work and actually enjoyed myself. I am working on relying on God to get me through things. The old Vanessa would have not made it through the night without getting up to hang things or put things away. I was able to pace myself. There is a time for each thing. Vivi spent the night with my mom and dad the next day so that I could get everything ready for her. I wanted to make sure she felt home. So Friday, Travis was at work and I got busy with my vision. My dad came over to help, we are close now, which I love. There are a couple more projects that are not quite complete because I needed supplies. I am practicing patience. We also had to wait on the shed to be delivered. Travis is still continuing with his schedule, so it is hard to be patient to wait for help.
I did hang some things by myself that I impressed myself with! I also learned I cannot use a screwdriver. (I stripped a screw.) I consider the move a success. I was able to stop and spend time with my family. We went and got breakfast at a cute little country store. We went to a friend’s wedding reception. I made sure to go to church, of course. Once again, it is all about balance. I only cried once this move. I couldn’t find my phone charger and then my earring holder fell. That was the straw that broke this camel’s back, but it was a short cry. No amount of tears was going to put those earrings back on the holder. All of these things seem logical and they are. I know that, but when you have anxiety, your illogical brain takes over. I am working on not letting that happen. One day at a time. The great thing is that now, my house is how I like it and I can focus on fishing!