Sometimes, for your own good, you have to be selfish. As a recovering alcoholic, I know when I absolutely have to put me first. I typically consider myself a giving person. I am a mom, and she is my number one, but if I don’t take care of my sobriety, I will be useless to everyone. I have been sober for over 2 and a half years now, but the devil never rests. I could be sober 20 years and still need to be on guard with my sobriety. Addiction/alcoholism is a disease, but I don’t think I am ill because I am not using. I don’t say I am sick. I was sick when I was activiely drinking. I don’t drink, drug or smoke tobacco now. I live a pure life. In a way, I am grateful my disease pushes me to be a better person than I probably would be if I didn’t have it.
I did some selfish things when I was drinking and I hurt some people that were close to me. I made amends and we moved on. I can’t live in the past because it has nothing new for me. I cannot change anything in the past. Bringing it up is cruel for people to do. Unfortunately, I had people in my life that were doing that. So I had to be selfish. A different kind of selfish than when I was using. I had to sepereate myself from them for my own health. Negative thoughts are what can destroy an addict. There are some people that want to use your disease against you. Those are not people that addicts need around. History did not change because I went to recovery. I was drinking, not in a coma. I still know that some people were just as awful as i was, and they were sober. I did what I could do and apologized. The sad thing is, I don’t think some people are happy for my sobriety. I mistakenly thought everyone would be proud and support me once I started on my sober journey. It was far from that. I continue to fight battles outside of myself. The devil comes in sheeps clothing. I didn’t recognize the people attempting to bring me down until it was almost too late. Some people are so miserable with their own lives they attack people who seem weak. I suppose I am because I care so much. I want to help everyone. I have been to the bottom and I know how it feels. I don’t think anyone deserves it, no matter how they treat me. I tried for about 2 years until that heavy negative weight almost pulled me down. I had to let go. I felt myself getting angry as I watched those people destroy themselves. It was not pretty on me either. I use to wear my bitch mode as a badge of honor. I can rip you apart with the truth in a few sentences. I loved that about myself. That was then, when I was empty. I am not empty anymore. I am full of the joy of Christ. I can’t let other people’s emptiness suck me in like a black hole. When you wrestle with pigs you only end up getting dirty.
I know that nothing, but the love of my Savior will fulfill me. My sober life needs no material things to produce a fake hapiness. The jealousy of some people can be toxic. I can’t be held responsible for that. My joy is pure. Allow yourself to say bye. Maybe one day I will see them again. Maybe, but it is not my responsiblilty to fix them. I have a disease and I work daily to better myself. I am no better than anyone else. I know my priorities. My faith comes first along with my continued sobriety. I invest time in the things that lift me up. It is wonderful to have a husband who supports me and helps in my sober journey. It is almost impossible to not have joy when with Vivienne, my 17 month old. I surround myself with friends that know my past and have forgiven me. I know that most people have a past, even if they aren’t addicts. There are also some just plain ole not nice people. If those people ask for forgiveness, it can be given, but I don’t think it is my job to beg.
There are amazing people who lift each other up. I wish more people would do that. I was also blessed with parents and a brother and his wife who know how to communicate and grow together as a family. In my family, we talk about things and move on. There so many families and people that don’t do that. They seem to only be worried about themselves or getting heard. It is almost like they just need attention or didn’t learn the art of conversation. I believe in giving back. Give to people that can give nothing back to you. That will fill you up. It is amazing. There are so many different types of organizations that accept volunteers. There is one for your favorite hobby. I hope to instill in Vivienne that helping other people is one of the most important things in life. I also want her to understand that when people continue to pull you down, let go.