I was born with a wild side and I know I will die with that wild side still alive and kicking. I have always been weird and different. Just because I am sober does not mean I am boring. I struggle with that part of sobriety, the fun part. I use to party hard, well until I passed out. I jokingly say to people that I use to out party Ke$ha. Which is so sad you have to laugh. I love dancing and music. I love people. I love to be out and about. The problem is that my bedtime is around 9:30pm. That isn’t just because I am sober, but because I am a parent. I love making the most of my day now, so I need my rest. I also discovered that there is a HUGE difference in sleeping sober and passing out. Life changing.
My husband and I were unable to go out of town with his friends for a weekend trip, so instead we went fishing for the day. As we sat there at dinner, he half joked that we should drive to the beach where they were to meet them to go out. The “old us” would have done that. We would have bought a case of beer and a pack of cigarettes and jammed out to the coast. I immediately felt not fun. I knew he didn’t really want to do that, but I use to be fun and wild. You would never know what I would do.There is a thin between fun and stupid. I don’t know when I crossed it because I don’t remember much from my past. I asked him to not to get a drink that night. He said sure. I don’t normally ask him not to, he doesn’t normally drink. He said he didn’t think it bothered me because I was stronger than that now. Ouch.
I realize that my addiction is my problem. I decide, each day or each moment, if I want to remain sober and alive. I have come to realize after some painfully harsh words from people that I would’ve thought understood, that I “demonize” alcohol and drugs. Yes, I do. They almost killed me and robbed me of my joy. They took a serious tole on me and my family. I sit in meetings and hear story after story of people fighting addiction. My close family members are fighting addiction. However, I have to be in control and the only person I have control over is me and my feelings. I do write this blog to help others understand what the disease of addiction is like, to break the silence.
I didn’t know I was going to be an alcoholic when I took that first sip, no one does. I knew I had a good chance, but I had already beaten drugs. I thought I was stronger. I found out 10 years later that I wasn’t. I don’t want to think about addiction everyday, I have to. One drink would kill me. Not instantly, but over time. One drink is where it all starts again. I can’t have just one. I hate that I am an alcoholic. I know that is the reason I am not invited to places and events. I know it is the reason I have lost a job recently. The wild Vanessa would have been invited and welcomed. Let’s watch her train wreck, it’s way more fun. I have many friends that drink around me. That is fine! My husband drinks sometimes. I do ask him not to sometimes. Just him though. He knows white wine and blue cheese stuffed olive dirty martinis are off-limits at all times when I am there. I don’t miss beer. Really, gross. My root beer tastes better any day. (Laugh, a little humor.)
I have no desire to drink. Honestly, it was harder to quit smoking cigarettes than drinking. Crazy, I know, but I am pure now. I love that I am addiction forming chemical free. Now I just have to work on the food I put in my body. My time is mine, and my day is focused around the people or the activity. I don’t want to lose friends because they drink. I recently reconnected with an old friend who I lost at the very end of my active drinking days. She shocked me a little when she laughed and told me that of course she wouldn’t drink when we hung out. I was surprised and told her it was ok, I didn’t mind. She looked at me in the eyes and said firmly that she liked a glass every now and then, but it wasn’t important, I was important. That said so much to me.
To me, it just seems that everything is focused on the “party” which means the alcohol. I love the PartySober brand because, to me, it means life is a party without alcohol. Sober is awesome! I don’t need alcohol to relax. Yes, I had to learn that the hard way, but I am so grateful I did. I don’t want to drink, but I am slightly uncomfortable when everyone is focused on drinking. Also, you never know who is struggling with addiction. Addicts can’t drink, its called cross addiction. I wish I had learned that my first go around. However, it seems most drug addicts have to learn the hard way that they can’t drink. It is so difficult when alcohol is socially acceptable. I get asked all the time, “You can’t even have just one?” Nope, not one. One wouldn’t do anything, except lead to relapse. I have to work, everyday, to stay sober. It is real. My brain literally reprogrammed to need alcohol. It still wants it. I want to scream at people who leave half a drink. WHAT! Drink that!!! Is what my mind says. I will always be an alcoholic. I will always want a drink in a weird way. Rebel girl, Vanessa.
It is funny to me that I am not a rebel because I am sober. It is hilarious that my necessary sobriety is controversial. Yes, I hate alcohol. It tried to kill me. I guess I have to be at peace with my hatred for my attempted murderer. The resentment will drive me to drink. It was also this captor that kept me from the real me for years. I need to forgive. I am here to bring awareness to the disease of addiction. It’s real and isn’t going anywhere. In fact, it is only getting worse. Watch COPS, most of those stories start with alcohol. I don’t mean to make you feel bad about drinking, just to bring awareness to what the spirits can do. There is a reason you are not supposed to drive while drinking, you can’t think properly. If you want to be wild, sober call me. We can go do crazy things, but you will need all your brain cells, so no alcohol on our wild rides. I don’t ever want to lose who I am, the fun crazy me. I just want to be smart about the rebel me now.
I love repping my sobriety! Check out these 3 brands below! Just click the pic!