My mom is the best mom….for me. There was a time I couldn’t stand my mom and avoided her. That was because my mom knows me better than anyone. Now that I, myself, am a mom, I realize how hurtful some of the things I did were. The older my Vivienne gets the more I feel the need to apologize to my mom. I am strong-willed, just like my child. I have always been this way. I see it now, in my baby. I have no idea how my mom made it to 30 with me. I do. She did it how I am going to do it. One day at a time.
My angel is amazing. She is charismatic, funny, smart and completely adorable. Seriously, a witty 17 month old! She is also emotional and well, she knows what she wants. She is special, like me. It isn’t always the easiest thing to deal with, but I think/hope it is worth it. There isn’t a whole lot of down time with us. She goes non-stop from the minute she wakes up until the moment she goes to bed. She is inquisitive and fun. You never know how Vivi is going to react. She is my special girl. Aren’t all children special though? I certainly hope you think yours is the best!
I thought I knew what kind of mother I would be. I was wrong. I thought I would mother like I taught when I was in education. I don’t. She is mine. Her cries break my heart. (I am getting better at distinguishing crying from yelling.) I cave much easier than I thought. I know, I know. I am working on it because she is getting heavier! The older she gets, the less time I want to spend away from her. I miss her terribly! It took me time to get here. It wasn’t instant like it is for some moms. I do want to take pictures of her every move. I want to kiss all over her little body. The body we made! I melt when she touches me sweetly. When we read books she will rub my arm. I adore that. I have to tell everyone when she says a new word. Who knew? Being a mom is the most wonderful gift God has ever given me.
If I can be half the mom that my mom is for me, I will be doing a fantastic job. I have always been a hard child. I have been extremely emotional and struggled with anxiety my entire life. I never fit in. Nothing for me has ever been easy. I am just SO much. I do think I have some great attributes. I think that because my mom has always lifted me up. I am an easy target because I am so sensitive. I care, too much. My mom always made me feel special. She always knows how to make me ok. She makes things make sense. My mom is one of the most wise and knowledgable people I have ever known. She is always right. In high school, I couldn’t stand that about her. She would say, “Take a jacket. It’s cold.” I wouldn’t and I would freeze. My mom is calm when my world is falling apart. She has had to be calm more than anyone really should. I am sure a woman can handle being president, if my mom can handle my crazy past.
I am terrified about Vivienne growing up. I can only imagine the stress that mom my shouldered for years during my using days. I started my journey at 15 in the addiction world. She spent years worrying if I was alive, where I was or if I was going to live to my next birthday. I never told the whole story to anyone. I didn’t understand how much my recklessness with my own life affected her, until I had Vivi. I didn’t get it, but at that time I didn’t even care about myself. I wish I could go back and share with her what had really happened, but that is the past. The future is bright. I annoyingly call my mom about 5 times a day now. She is my best friend. I tell her everything. She gives the best advice and knows every answer.
Vivienne will be Vivienne. She will make mistakes like I did. I can only pray that they aren’t as severe as mine. I want to love Vivi the way my mom loved me. Unconditionally. She has always been there for me. She has always supported me, even though I changed my mind countless times. I can always count on her, no matter what. When I need help, she is there. She is also a better grandmother than mom, which is truly amazing. Ooma, actually. That is what my nephew, the oldest grandchild, dubbed her. (My dad is Oompa.) I love sharing my Vivi stories with her because she “gets it.” I love to spend time with her and Vivi together to soak up all her motherly ways.
There are so many different kinds of mothers. I love learning from the mothers around me. I often ask my sister-in-law questions or really just to tell me I am not crazy. She does. While we are very different moms we respect each other. The world needs all different types of people who are raised by different types of moms. I also get support from my church mom friends. Sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed, I just ask another mom. I usually get validation. It is so nice to have someone else say they are there, too! Is your kid doing this crazy thing? Oh, yea? Thank goodness!
All of us moms are just making it one day at a time. We love our angels the best we know how. It looks different on everyone. We all have different strength and weaknesses. I am going to work on using my resources more. There are brilliant, spectacular moms all around us. What do they do to parent? How are they growing their humans? I know my favorite resource is my own mother, but I want the best for my Viv. Someone might have some insight that changes everything!
I love being a mom. I have never felt so satisfied with where I am in life. Ever. I am complete in my family. I just love waking up, being Vivienne’s mom. I am also glad that my mom truly has something to be proud of in me. She would never have said she wasn’t, but now I know she can brag about me. She can say that her daughter is a survivor. Her daughter is committed to helping others in their recovery and journey in sober living. I love that, more than anything, that I am making her proud. Again, with my mom, she has never made me feel anything but loved. Love, to me, is priority number one for a mom. I think I am doing that just fine. Start with love, whenever you are in doubt and everything should be fine. Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms. (Yes, it totally counts if you are mom to an animal only.) A mother’s love is a special love that changes the world.