I try not to whine about being sick or feeling bad. Really, no one cares. They don’t want you to die, but they don’t care all that much. Besides, I have been sick for a long time. I suppose I am still working on alcoholism not being my fault. I still feel some sort of guilt for being an alcoholic. I feel bad about the past. I wish I could take away the wasted time. The “sick days.” I can’t. So I try my best to not wallow now. I don’t want to ever cry wolf when it is something I can just get over. I want to be able to handle it all myself. Handle everything. I feel like I am doing a great job taking on the world. I have so much to accomplish and so little time to do it in! I also have to be an awesome mother and wife. My heart palpitations brought everything back into focus this weekend.
It was a wonderful family filled weekend. I was excited for Travis to start his shift on Sunday night. I was kid watching and hanging out with Vivi. Then the nausea hit. I felt so sick. It was painful and uncomfortable. What do you do when you are solely responsible for three children? I waited. It was painful. I wasn’t quite sure what to do. There was nothing to do. I got sick (if ya know what I mean.) Then the heart palpitations started. They hurt and I was having trouble breathing. I just went to bed. None of this sounds smart now. What if something had gone terribly wrong? All I was thinking at the time was that it couldn’t be that bad and that I didn’t want to be dramatic. When I couldn’t sleep I was getting worried. Travis always has the answer and he was working. Also, my parents were asleep. I was able to speak with Travis through text. He said to go. I didn’t. I was scared to go by myself. The hospital is scary and I hate waiting. I don’t want to hear that I have to wait. That is what I am scared about. When your heart won’t stop pounding, you can get scared irrationally though. I wanted my husband. I started to cry, but that only made it worse. In the morning, I called my mom who was mad that I did not call her, of course. I should’ve gone. I took Vivienne to school and called the doctor. I made an appointment for one. Then I crawled back in bed and loved on my Sophie.
Some people thought it was anxiety or stress. It still might be. I have dealt with these issues my whole life. I truly believe I was born with a certain stress level and type. I need to learn how to describe it better. Vivienne is the same. I hate it for her. It is the good and the bad though. The intensity is what makes us so charming sometimes and so NOT charming other times. There is no in between. All or nothing people. It starts at birth. I see it in her. My heart breaks for her journey. I will have to figure out how to balance helping her and letting her figure it out for herself. So, I know a lot about what anxiety is and what it can do to you physically. I take medication daily, non-narcotic. I know that I have to deal with it the rest of my life, the same with my alcoholism and addiction. What is happening now feels different. I know I have a lot going on. There is also drama all around me. When is there not? I don’t feel as though that it the issue. I know what to look for. Although, I didn’t get to go fishing this past weekend so, I might have been stressed. (That’s a joke folks. Sorta.) I know what a panic attack feels like. I have had them forever. An emotion accompanies them though. I have a feeling about them. I want to crawl out of my own skin and run away. I would even get hit by a car to make it stop. I know, dramatic, but true. The past two heart and nausea incidents have been different. There is no emotion. Just pain. Also, I rarely drink caffeine because it has no effect on me. It doesn’t wake me up. I don’t feel alert. I will have a coke for taste, but not for the caffeine. What I am saying is, it was sweet, the well-meaning people who thought they knew what was wrong. It wasn’t. It is almost annoying to be dismissed with, “Did you drink a Coke?” Oh, yes. That must be it. I am so glad you knew why I was having heart palpitations twice for over 6 hours. Thanks. I will let my doctor know. My doctor, who said she wasn’t even comfortable diagnosing anything until we got test results back. Ok, rant over. It just bugs me when people want to tell me how to fix me like I haven’t put any thought into it at all. I know I have anxiety that affects me physically. I know that. Moving on….
I am underweight. That might be it. There might be more. My doctor is great because she gives it to me straight up. That was what she said right away, that I had lost 6 pounds since she had last seen me and that that was too much. I was aware that my weight might be an issue because I was told I was borderline anemic by my psychologist. I had been working on it. I have been trying to eat more consistently, even if I wasn’t hungry. I am not. Not usually, unless you count hungry for cupcakes. I realize now, that I have to eat more than one meal a day. I have to get nutrients my body needs, otherwise there could be some negative consequences. I guess I was thinking, nothing bad going in, like alcohol, so I was ok. I knew I wasn’t going to win healthiest person of the year, but I didn’t realize how bad it could be.
I had an EKG, but the symptoms had stopped so we didn’t think it would show anything. She then sent me to get tests done. She said my husband was right and I should have gone. They need to see what is going on at that time. We both agreed to forgo the cardiologist until the next episode, IF it happens. I am going to work hard at eating 3 meals a day. That might be the only issue. It might be a thyroid issue. I might have heart issues. It is hard to tell. I do need to eat healthier and do some form of exercise, besides chasing Vivienne. I already drink enough water. That, I do. I am hydrated. An alcoholic in recovery generally has a beverage in their hands. I find it helps me with any craving. I guess because I was always drinking alcohol when I was practicing, now I am always drinking, just not alcohol. So back to eating. I have to eat, healthy food. I know that it sounds simple. I know that some people hate me for that. I am just not hungry. If it is delicious, I will eat it, a little of it. Sometimes I am starving. I really don’t know why it changes. It is important. I have to get this under control. (Cupcakes do not count as an acceptable dinner.) Being sober isn’t enough.
Side note: I am clearly working on my weight. Telling me how skinny I am is not a compliment. Body shaming is a real thing for thin women, too. You would do the reverse, right? I love my body. I don’t have any intentions of losing weight for image reasons. I have a husband who, literally, can’t keep his hands off me no matter what size I am. (I learned this when I gained 75 pounds pregnant.) I just find it truly shocking the amount of women who will look me up and down and comment on my weight. Warning: I will start commenting back.