I haven’t written this week because it has been a long, busy week. I have been exhausted to the point where I can barely move at the end of the day. I have had work and family issues to deal with. Yesterday, I was hurt to the core, completely caught off guard. I wanted to drink. I wanted to drink and forget about it. I knew that was dumb. I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t, but I wanted to. Someone I love, deeply hurt me. They lied and deceived me about a reoccurring issue and then made excuses for it. There was this moment of just pure disbelief that I was lied to. Then a wave of anger. The anger still comes in waves. I also cried. A lot. I am a crier. I have always been a crier. My dad use to say that crying makes your eyelashes grow. (I have VERY dark and long eyelashes.) I hate that I cry. I always wanted to be one of those people with a stone cold poker face. Nope. Not me. You can read me a mile away. I also wanted to not care when people hurt me. I do. I care. I have always cared when I get left out or get called names. I care and you can tell because tears will be falling down my face.
Yesterday, I was able to pull it together and take care of Vivienne. I put her first because I had to and because I needed to. My first instinct was to get in my car and drive far away. Leaving my problems is what I like to do. Not deal with it. That is essentially what drinking is, not dealing. My best friend lied and did something very selfish. I didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to run. I wanted to get in my car and drive. I guess I have that desire more than drinking now. This is the transition I have taken now. I know drinking would just hurt me and my daughter. I am past really wanting to drink. What to do when you want to drink? Anything not to. It is helpful to have a daughter that needs me, but that can’t be it. She will grow up. I won’t grow out of alcoholism.
This post is as disjointed as my feelings. I have this blog to help others. To help other addicts and alcoholics or other people in general, know they aren’t alone. To help them feel validated in their feelings. I felt lost in what to do. I was able to calm myself down because I work on myself daily for moments like these. Having a routine is good, too. I wasn’t able to process everything at that moment so I read my book and snuggled with my Sophie and went to sleep. [Having a pet is one of the best therapies I can recommend.] So in a way. I did escape. I take Benadryl to sleep still. My doctor says it is ok. I joke it is better than a 6 pack, but really it’s not a joke. Prayer. Pray about what has happened. Talk. Talk to people who can help. Do NOT talk to people who cannot help or rile you up. I use to have friends that like drama. They didn’t really help me see things clearly. My mom is my voice of reason. I have to learn how to be more like her. (This is another post.) However, I went to bed and did not drink or do anything ridiculous or stupid. Hallelujah.
I woke up feeling sad and hurt. Being an alcoholic has its perks sometimes. You know what is wrong with me. I am diagnosed. I have a problem. I seek help and I work on myself. I am better for it. I am wiser. I am sometimes thankful for my disease. I look deeper into myself when I see issues. If I leave them unresolved I could drink, which means die. Other people don’t usually look so deep. They have the same problems though. They lie and deceive just like use addicts. They are selfish and cruel just like us. They usually don’t work on it though. When on the receiving end of such deceit and selfishness I am blown away.
To me, address issues head on. Own it. Don’t give me an excuse or another story about why you did what you did. Say, “I was wrong.” You don’t hear that so much. I like raw, real honesty. [Clearly, I write this blog.] As time passes and even as I write this, I also realize that I need to admit I am not good at accepting people who don’t know or want to give raw honesty. I have to forgive even when it isn’t asked. I have to forgive over and over for the same frustrating issue. [Interesting to be on this side of the problem.] When you tell someone you love them, you can’t stop because they hurt you. You have to figure out how to heal. You have to figure out how to move forward. I did receive an apology. That is important. Admitting what was wrong. I don’t think you can truly heal until you understand the wound. No one is perfect. When I forgive I can heal. When I heal I don’t hurt. When I don’t hurt I have no desire to drown any pain with alcohol. It is imperative to my survival to go through this process.
All this being said. Cupcakes and ice cream help me smile when I am sad. I know many people struggle with food, so I am NOT saying over eat. Get a special treat. Maybe 2. When I have an urge to drink and I get in the car to drive far, far away. I drive myself to get a sweet treat. Cupcakes and ice cream make me smile. If I take my cupcake outside with a book and my sweet puppy, it is a perfect way to get some clarity. Also, therapy is helpful. Prayer is helpful. Progress, not perfection. It is a daily move towards something good and better. Towards being Christlike.