Accept it. Accept that you can’t change the past. Accept that sometimes you make mistakes.
Accept that you are human and you are not perfect.
This was my big epiphany this week after days of tears. My supervisor told me I was going to have to accept my 99% when I was trying to convince her I deserved a 100%. I didn’t. She was right. I had to accept it. I needed to learn from a few of my mistakes. I don’t know everything. Wouldn’t life be boring if I did? I think I get ahead of myself.
I have always been that way. I have such a hard time being in now. Enjoying the moment. Not even enjoying, just being here. Being present. When I was young I couldn’t wait to grow up. I always thought my parents were having the best time when I went to bed. I have this huge fear of missing out. That seems to go perfectly with my problem of nothing is ever enough. I do think I am getting better at that one. I can enjoy things now, unlike before in my life. I do feel like I am in the moment. It is easier when I am at home with my family or doing things I love. I do genuinely like working, though. I like doing a job well done. That is why it is almost painful when I don’t do it perfectly.
It’s almost like I feel this need to make up for years of neglecting my work. I feel like I have to be perfect because I am so far behind. I spent 10 years in a drunken haze. I am not slow. I am smart. I am talented. I HAVE to prove that. Today. Right now. That feeling is exhausting. It is impossible. When I make a mistake, no matter how small, my world comes tumbling down around me. I can no longer hold all of me in. I feel like I have let everyone that is counting on me down. I can’t do that anymore. That pressure is intense. I don’t know how to not do that anymore. I have to just accept that I make mistakes. Even sober I make mistakes. What can I do about what is upsetting me? Can I change it? Or can I just learn from it?
I am not perfect. I have to accept that. No one is expecting me to be perfect, except me. Once I can get over it, I have won! The great thing is that God is perfect. AND He has a plan for me. A perfect plan for me. I just have to remember that. My God is perfect and He created me. He also loves me, a lot. He has a perfect plan for me. I can certainly accept that.