Having fun sober. It is weird that I even have to think about that, but I do. I have to constantly. I never drank to be outgoing. I am naturally that way. I drank sometimes because everyone else was, well, in the beginning. I like people. I like talking and having fun and doing new things. I never needed alcohol to do that. I was concerned that when I quit drinking I wouldn’t be invited places and people wouldn’t really want me around. It is strange how you notice alcohol so much more when you aren’t participating. It is like how you see a car of a boy you like a million times, but you never saw it before you started crushing. Or how I now see trucks my husband likes because we can’t afford them yet. Ok, enough with the vehicle references. EVERYTHING seems to be focused on drinking. I can’t even seem to escape it at church. Now, even the movies has alcohol. I don’t think non-alcoholics get it. It is everywhere. That was a safe place. I had church friends posting pics of how excited they were they could drink at the movies. I could only think, “I wonder if they would drink with me there,” and “I really don’t want to sit next to the smell of it and entire movie.” I never wanted to tell anyone that because I wanted to be invited still.
I don’t want alcohol. I don’t have cravings. I don’t miss it. I think I am WAY more fun without it. However, a part of me still feels like the middle school me that is left out when everyone is talking about how much fun they have drinking or going out. I get it! Believe me! I had ten years of going out and being fun! I was more fun than Ke$ha on a bad/good day! So in some ways, I am rebuilding my entire identity. Who am I? Am I still fun? I awkwardly ask my very patient and kind husband, “Am I fun?” Or. “Are you having fun?” (He still drinks a little, almost nothing these days.) When we met and got married I was a full-blown party girl on the highway to hell. Literally. Go big or go home. Yea, I was. I was headed straight to heaven. Jesus hadn’t given up on me. I had given up on my self. I wasn’t having fun. I was just faking it. I no longer see alcohol as fun. I can honestly say I hate it. It almost killed me and I know how it destroys people and families. I see it as Satan’s favorite tool. That and drugs. He loves any mind altering chemical. So I do struggle with going out and being part of that world where people don’t know/care what it does. I want to go and dance. I do! I like to socialize, talk and eat. Yet, there is this part of me that is still on guard against the evil that is alcohol/drugs. It is a strange thing. I want to have fun. Fun to me just comes more in the form of daylight. I love being alert for my days. I love having fun with my child, being outside and enjoying all God created. I guess fun just looks different now. I am not saying people who drink are evil. There are not sides. I get it. I do know that the Bible teaches to not drink and cause another to stumble. (1 Cor. 8:9)
I remember my fun now. It comes from a pure natural place. It is not caused by a chemical that alters my brain. It comes from pure joy and happiness. I am truly happy. I have true joy. I have sadness as well. I deal with it in a constructive way. I don’t get excited about a drink. I get excited about friends and family. My happiness is real, not manufactured in a bottle. My happiness is pure, not chemically induced. My happiness is God-given.