Disappointment has always been hard for me to deal with. I have always had extremely high expectations for myself and then they bled over to others. I remember teachers telling me what great potential I had. I hated that word. That meant I wasn’t doing something right. That they were disappointed. I was a child I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. When I disappointed my parents it was worse. I generally knew what I did wrong. My mother telling me she was disappointed was worse than any spanking. It was my understanding that someone I loved and cared about me expected more and I had failed. That is still true as an adult. As an alcoholic, for 10 plus years, I disappointed many people, including myself, over and over. I still do in my recovery. Now, I cannot take a drink to forget momentarily. I have to work through it.
That is what growing and maturing is all about. Learning from your mistakes and disappointments. Life can be disappointing at times. When you get your hopes up over a job or a person and you are let down. That can be so disappointing. It feels like a sadness that blankets me. It can be hard to get out from under that damp cover. The happiness I try to feel gets lost in the fog of my disappointment. I can’t shake it.
When you are the cause of the disappointment it almost seems worse. Especially now, in my recovery. How could I do that? I am sober! I know better! But I do make terrible mistakes that hurt people. That nature of the alcoholic lives in me. I have to remember that. We all have to remember that Satan is right there waiting for us to stumble. He wants to pull us under. The wonderful thing is that our Saviour forgives. He forgives everything and everyone, every time. Turn towards Him and just speak.
When the disappointment is out of your control, give it immediately to God. Do not harbor it. It is not yours. I have been constantly disappointed by my work conquests. I feel like I am back at square one after 2 years of recovery, of actively trying to do my best. If I hold onto that it will lead me to drinking or using. I have to keep on a path that leads me to a better way. I have to walk in His will. Not mine. I think it took me a couple years to understand that. That is why I was getting disappointed. I kept trying to follow my road. Albeit I was sober and doing a great job, it wasn’t His will.
Disappointment and failed expectations are one of my biggest triggers. I find peace in knowing it isn’t about me. My life is here on Earth is only the beginning. Put things into perspective. Remember the good. Remember you are powerless over your addiction and that you need God.