My addiction story started the day I was raped by a boy I had a crush on at my church in New Orleans. He held me down while I screamed no. That was the trauma event that changed my life. He has since apologized. I blacked out that event for almost a year. During that year I began to get into ecstasy and pills heavily. By heavily, I mean weekly, usually more often. This was when I was 15. I went from being a straight A gifted student to leaving high school to a beauty school drop out. I laugh about it now, but it wasn’t funny. I had sex to feel loved. I hated myself and didn’t understand why. I was a recovering drug addict at 18. I remembered the rape, but didn’t really want to talk about it. I went to therapy, but I was misdiagnosed with bi-polar and other disorders.
I went on with life. I graduated college with a my degree in Elementary Education. It is really hard to teach with a hangover. I couldn’t give 100% and I didn’t want to be that teacher. At that time, I just felt like I wanted more. I always wanted more. Nothing was enough. I had multiple careers and lived different places. I was “in love” over and over. The next guy was my sole mate. The next job was “it.” It is hard when you are pretty good at most things and guys fall in love pretty easily. I don’t say that to brag. I say that because that is how it felt. I know many alcoholics with vibrant personalities. I wasn’t happy though. I drank almost every night. I loved going out and I loved to “have fun.” I wasn’t doing drugs anymore, how horrible! People who do drugs! EW!
I never thought I could be an alcoholic because I conquered drugs. Alcohol was nothing. Plus, my dad was a recovering alcoholic. If it was going to happen, it would’ve already. I wasn’t weak. I wouldn’t let it happen to me.
I went out and had fun. I lived in a college town. Everyone drank for everything. I was never very good at it. I passed out a lot. I liked fitting in and having friends. I liked being a part of things. You have to drink to have fun, right? This went on for years.
I ended up in a marriage that I didn’t want to be in. He was abusive. I drank to escape. That is when I remember things changing. I only spent a year with him. Then I met my current husband out at a bar while I was separated. He was a dream, but that is another story. Life didn’t happen the way I had planned. We drank every night. We drank too much. He could handle it. I couldn’t. I quit jobs in favor of staying home to drink. It didn’t make sense. It never will. It is an addicts way of thinking. I did nothing without alcohol. I had the shakes on our wedding day because I didn’t drink the night before. I had stayed at my parents house. I cry thinking about it because all I remember from that day is wanting a drink so desperately.
My liver was failing. The doctor told me. I cared, but I still drank. I couldn’t function without alcohol. I no longer ate. I just drank. I was going to die. I kept trying to detox, but it was so painful. The shaking and aching and puking. So I picked up again to make it stop. Then it all changed. The bottom came. I was losing everything. I had already lost it.
I found an outpatient program. Well, this time I committed to an outpatient program. I moved in with my parents. My husband was gone. All I had was my dog and my parents. I cried all the time. I had really never cared that much about anything. That is how I knew I committed that time. I felt it. I felt the devastation. I went to the meetings 3 nights a week for 3 hours and to AA meetings. I quit drinking. I wanted my life back. I wanted me back. That date was 11/29/11. I have been sober sense.
It is not easy. There are days that just flat-out suck, but everyone has those. Overall, I love being sober! I can’t take back all those years I spent drinking or hung over. I can’t take back the time I feel I lost in a way. I do feel I see things more clearly. I see things in a way that I am grateful for. I appreciate the little things. I guess that is what a person gets when they almost lose their life. An appreciation for life. An appreciation for what God has created. That is why I say I am a sober living enthusiast. I love being sober. Nothing clouds my view of this world. Nothing. Each day is an adventure I am excited to wake up for because I know I am truly blessed to be here.